Optimism fades with age, and some remain unaware of others' suffering, as seen in those who never experience hardship.
At the Feet of The Mother
TE 321 The Core of Integral Living
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Night is a shadow and not some original Truth. That is why it has not the ultimate absolute Power.
I see you have let the demons of self-doubt and doubt in general and melancholy get inside again and sit down at your table.