Sri Aurobindo

Letters of Sri Aurobindo

Volume 4

Letter ID: 967

Sri Aurobindo — Roy, Dilip Kumar

June 29, 1943

I told so to Nirod – yesterday. People so often imagine – so why should not Cohayne imagine? But he doubted my doubts. Now I know that my doubts are more valid than his.

But it is not to write about this that I take up my pen. Last night I was feeling once more at loose ends after my very hard spell of work for the past two months. I was wondering if whenever! tried a little concentration on the Divine this sort of reaction must come. But I won’t plague you with this recurrent trouble of mine which I find it so hard to shake off.

It so happened that this morning I received a letter from Krishnaprem again. It is his certitude I envy – since I am so full of doubts and questionings. Shall I try his remedy – singing to nobody else?

Well, I don’t know. These methods succeed wonderfully sometimes, but not always. It depends on many things and cannot be automatic.

N.B. I see from Krishnaprem’s letter that he meant something else. He seems to say, you can sing before others, but sing to Krishna only. That is quite all right.

I am prepared to cancel Madras programme if you so wish. Now-a-days I find no joy in any activity really and won’t in the least mind cancelling Madras.

No; you are doing the Mother’s work there. Besides if you sing of the Divine, what more splendid means can there be of spreading devotion in the hearts of others; that too is a work for the Divine.

Lastly Prithwi Singh told Umichand categorically (in spite of his telling P. that it was not true) that Mother didn’t like singing in the Ashram premises and consented because otherwise Dilip made trouble. He argued and Umichand retorted, etc. I won’t repeat all that. I have no grudge against Prithwi Singh or qui que ce soit. I only want to assure you and Mother very humbly and sincerely that it is not for any ostentation of my musical gifts that I take so much pains in training twenty or thirty sadhaks and sadhikas – it is only under the impression that it may please Mother. But Prithwi Singh receives many letters from Mother (private ones, he tells people) and his tone of certitude gives rise to misgivings.

“One or two perhaps of very private nature – otherwise only «love and blessings»” or letters written about herself. In any case it is on the Mother’s own word that you must rely and not on what anybody may think that she thinks, etc. The singing is quite all right; the Mother likes it and she has made no objection to the music or singing. Each time she was very well pleased with it.

So please be a little frank with me and ask Mother to be so. If she tolerates it for the reason Prithwi Singh asserts – if, that is, the music gives her no pleasure and disturbs the peace of the ashram, I will be the last person to insist or feel hurt if Mother would rather that I cancelled the chorus I train for her pleasure. I have been very egoistic in the past and no doubt am so even now. But I don’t think that I have ever been so selfish as to inflict something on Mother for my self-love, least of all disturb the Ashram atmosphere like a spoilt child taking advantage of Mother’s kindness to me which certainly I can’t claim I have ever deserved.