Optimism fades with age, and some remain unaware of others' suffering, as seen in those who never experience hardship.
At the Feet of The Mother
TH 415 The Life Divine (14) Book Two Chapters 15-17
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Night is a shadow and not some original Truth. That is why it has not the ultimate absolute Power.
I see you have let the demons of self-doubt and doubt in general and melancholy get inside again and sit down at your table.