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SRI AUROBINDO – Nirodbaran
Correspondence with
Sri Aurobindo
Volume 1. 1933
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Publisher’s Note
The most important letters of this correspondence were first published in Correspondence with Sri Aurobindo (First Series, 1954; Second Series, 1959; Combined Edition, 1969) and were arranged according to the subject-matter. In 1972 and 1974 additional letters (humorous ones for the most part) were published in Correspondence with Sri Aurobindo (Part III) and Sri Aurobindo’s Humour.
In this new edition, nearly half of the material is being published for the first time. Parts of the edition were serialised in the Bulletin of Sri Aurobindo International Centre of Education (November 1971 to August 1975) and Mother India (May 1980 to November 1982).
Editor’s Note
Nirodbaran’s correspondence with Sri Aurobindo began in February 1933 and continued till November 1938 when Sri Aurobindo injured his right leg in an accident as a result of which the correspondence came to a stop, and Nirodbaran became one of his attendants.
We felt that it would be interesting to present the entire correspondence just as it has taken place, in its chronological order, showing the gradual development of this unique Guru-Shishya relationship. The chronological arrangement, moreover, allowed us to include a great number of letters or fragments which were not included in the earlier editions.
From the facsimiles, the reader will observe that Sri Aurobindo usually answered Nirodbaran’s questions in the margin and at times long answers followed at the end. But since we cannot reproduce this form in print, the device adopted here is to arrange the questions and answers in paragraphs.
Nirodbaran sent 3 notebooks at a time: private, medical and literary. So the reader may sometimes find a single day’s correspondence jumping from one subject to another.
The correspondence was left for Sri Aurobindo before 8 p.m. at the head of the staircase in the Meditation Hall.
Sri Aurobindo used to consult the Mother on questions regarding the sadhana and practical matters. He sat up in an armchair, going through the correspondence of the disciples till the early hours of the morning, in the hall below the Mother’s second-floor room (which was built much later). The next day the “divine post” was handed over to Nolini for distribution to the disciples.
For the publication of Nirodbaran’s Correspondence with Sri Aurobindo a thorough checking was done with the original manuscript as well as with the typescripts of those letters that Nirodbaran had sent to Sri Aurobindo for revision (more than a hundred typed sheets). In earlier editions the questions were either condensed (at times to such an extent that they were given a different turn) or omitted altogether. Here all the relevant questions are being published, mostly verbatim. They help to show the great liberty the Shishya took while writing to the Guru. But the main purpose is to bring out the full sense of Sri Aurobindo’s responses, which can often be better appreciated and understood if the reader has an opportunity to read Nirodbaran’s letters just as Sri Aurobindo did. Many are new and those already published can be seen in a new light because all is now in its actual sequence and reads virtually as it did when the notebooks were passing between Sri Aurobindo and Nirodbaran.
Introduction
Correspondence with Sri Aurobindo is coming out in two volumes. It contains many new letters appearing for the first time with the exception of those which are strictly private. Now it may be called a complete set.
This book adds a further chapter to the voluminous correspondence which Sri Aurobindo carried on with his disciples over many years; but it is a chapter with a big difference. It is in the new tone and manner of it that its special charm lies, of which the readers of Mother India have already had a foretaste. The matter is also of no less importance, but it gains an extra interest and novelty from this quality. About Twelve Years with Sri Aurobindo, the Mother said, “Thanks to Nirod, we have a revelation of an altogether unknown side of what Sri Aurobindo was.” Similarly we can claim about this book that another latent side of the Master’s personality has been revealed to us. In fact, when the previous edition of the book was read out to the Mother, she often used to laugh for sheer delight and was impressed by it so much that she made more than one reference to it in the Agenda. She said that Sri Aurobindo was all the time laughing and she added to me, “He has given you everything.” Letters on Karmayoga had a special interest for her and she wanted them by her side to show them to the sadhaks.
One is happily surprised to find here not the Sri Aurobindo of Himalayan grandeur and aloofness, but the modern Shakespeare of spiritual sublimity and jollity. Discussion, argument leavened with a sweet temper, witty passages of arms, mental duels, banter, persiflage, rollicking laughter, repartees, swear-words, then all on a sudden a switching off to solemn and serious topics, all written at lightning speed, and if any answer was not completed for shortage of time (apprehending that the Mother would be late for the morning pranam) a request for the note-book back again next day – these are the contents of this opulent offering. Turn a page and you find a gem.
All these lengthy discussions, mind you, with a disciple who had the mental development neither of an Amal (Sethna) nor of a Dilip, but was merely a young man of average intelligence having a thirst for knowledge. One who had “drunk the Infinite like a giant’s wine” came down to my mental level, argued point by point, knowing very well how shallow were my thoughts and yet considering them as if I had been an equal opponent, then invalidating my logic with the sweet comment, “To be a logician, sir, is not easy.” Dilip who was another recipient of Sri Aurobindo’s munificence remarked, “To Nirod he would constantly assume a tone he never once assumed with me. And yet he was talking to me as to a «friend and a son» and to Nirod like a comrade whom he almost invited to give him as much as he got.”
The modern age has produced a modern Guru who could deal with each sadhak according to his nature. When I asked from what perennial fount flowed so much laughter, his cryptic answer was the Upanishadic রসো বৈ সঃ.1 In the whole of spiritual history I know of no Guru-Shishya relationship in which the Guru of venerable age and vast learning has given such unlimited liberty to the disciple, so that I could challenge his Karmayoga doctrine, refuse to accept his own example as having any validity for common people like us, carry on a long-drawn out argument on Homeopathy vs Allopathy, etc., etc. In all the exchanges what was remarkable was his calm and cool temper, yogic samatā, inexhaustible patience and above all his sunny humour pervading the entire correspondence. At times, he asked to be excused for the bantering tone he could not resist when his own Karmayoga based on experience was tilted at. Very freely he used swear-words for the sake of fun or perhaps to shock the puritan temper. I was occasionally on the perilous brink of irreverence. When people complained of it, he replied, “I return the compliment – I mean, reply without restraint, decorum or the right grave rhythm. That is why I indulge so freely in brackets.”
As regards subject matter he gave me a wide field to range over. Supermind, literature, art, religion, spirituality, Avatarhood, love, women, marriage, medical matters, sex-gland, any topical question, such as goat-sacrifice at Kalighat, Bengal political atrocities, sectarian fanaticism, hunger-strike, India’s freedom, etc., etc. were my rich pabulum. I need not labour the point that in the process emeralds and lapis-lazulis of rare value were the reward extracted from his supramental quarry, though at the cost of being dubbed a “wooden head” and many other complimentary epithets. Aeschylus, Shakespeare, Milton, Dante, Napoleon, Virgil, Shaw, Joyce, Hitler, Mussolini, Negus, Spanish Civil War, General Miaja, romping in, oh, the world-theatre seen at a glance exhibiting many-coloured movements for the eye’s, the ear’s and the soul’s rejoicing.
Now, the question arises: what was the purpose of it all? At one stage, Sri Aurobindo declared that he wanted to intellectualise and logicise my “wooden head”. But that would be a very short-sighted human view of the Divine’s multi-dimensional work. I am reminded, however, of a narrative poem by Tagore about Guru Govind Singh. The Sikh Guru adopted a Pathan boy whose father he had killed in a flare of temper. He brought him up well-versed in all Shastras and proficient in the art of warfare. Every morning and evening the old valorous Guru used to play with the boy as with his own son. His disciples, much alarmed, warned him not to indulge in this dangerous game, since he was a tiger-cub. However kindly and diligently trained, he would not change his nature. “When he grows up, do remember that his paws will be piercingly sharp,” they added. The Guru replied, “If I fail to make the cub grow into a tiger then what have I taught him?”
I was anything but a tiger-cub. Was it the Guru’s purpose to experiment with common clay and see how far it could be transformed by his Supramental Power? He has said that he turned many cowards into heroes during the Swadeshi days. Or could it be that – to adapt his own words – he tried to enlighten my understanding, raise me to his level and inspire willing obedience, by convincing me with his incontrovertible logic, as, according to him, Sri Krishna seems to have done in the case of Arjuna, so that my mind purged of all wrong ideas might thereby be prepared to plunge into the sadhana?
Another story comes à propos. When we were attending on Sri Aurobindo after the accident to his leg, the Mother entered his room one day and saw a vision that Sri Aurobindo and I were playing with each other like two babies on a bed. I shall not try to analyse it for he himself replied, when asked about the reason of our exceptional relationship, “Cast your plummet into the deep and perhaps you shall find it – or perhaps you will hit something that has nothing at all to do with it.” I said, “But the «deep» is too deep for my plummet.” His answer was, “For any mental plummet. It is not the mind that can discover these things.”
One or two points are there in the Correspondence at which some readers may raise their eyebrows. “Why has Nirod revealed the inner story of the Ashram?” they may ask. My intention is clear. For one thing, I wanted to show what kind of stuff we were that Mother and Sri Aurobindo had to fashion into a new race. People in general have a rosy view of the Ashram. Since it is a Yogashram, they believe a priori that it must be chock-full of big yogis, but their preconceptions do not take long to break into pieces. Most of us, in truth, were common people, and knew very little of yoga. The Mother and Sri Aurobindo took us as they found us. It is precisely one of the cardinal principles of their yoga to take up fresh and simple natures “uncouth, shapeless”, if you like, and try to mould them in the image of their souls. When I exclaimed, “What disciples we are of what a Master! I wish you had chosen or called better stuff”, Sri Aurobindo answered, “As to the disciples I agree! Yes, but would the better stuff, supposing it to exist, be typical of humanity? To deal with a few exceptional types would hardly solve the problem.”
The readers will be lost in wonder and admiration when they see how much care and attention the Master and the Mother have given to the troubles of each disciple. Can one imagine Sri Aurobindo taking interest in a sadhak-patient’s small boil and asking the doctor to attend to his groundless complaints? I, as medical attendant, often inveighed against people with contagious diseases being allowed to share the common Ashram life instead of being sent away. Sri Aurobindo’s answer full of compassion for one victim still rings in my memory, “he had nowhere to go.” Of course they do not always concur with our medical notions and have their own ways of protection. Now, after fifty years or so, I find some of those people visiting the Ashram quite healthy and one actually greeting me with, “Do you recognise me?”
We must also remember that Sri Aurobindo’s yoga accepts life and must attend to all matters big or small as parts of it with a view to transform it. He remarked to me that life was in full swing in the Ashram. We know also that the Ashram has been considered as a small “Supramental laboratory” or an epitome of the world where all human problems are concentrated: if and when their solutions would be found, the world problems too would get solved. Each one of us represents a type. On the one hand, our inner and outer difficulties, struggles, resistances in the peripeties of sadhana, the ups and downs, successes and failures, complexities of nature (each one an impossibility, according to the Mother), all these coming to the surface as a result of the pressure of yoga. On the other hand the Mother and Sri Aurobindo treating each case with amazing love and patience in order to give each one the full chance of finding his soul. Such is the spiritual saga I have tried to unfold with innumerable illustrations. I myself was a certain type so that my conversion would facilitate the conversion of many others like me. I believe that is what Sri Aurobindo meant when he said, “You see, your difficulties are not yours alone. When they are conquered, others also will benefit by it. That is the meaning of one man doing yoga for all.”
I shall point the reader’s attention to a few medical cases to illustrate what the acceptance of life meant in yoga. Let us take the case of S. He suffered from a protracted illness due to his own indiscretion and was on the brink of death. My long correspondence with Sri Aurobindo on the case is an eye-opener, revealing how Sri Aurobindo kept vigil as it were night and day and went on applying his force till S was pronounced out of danger. Another case was of M. The patient, my assistant, had an accident and was hospitalised. Since it became a Police case, Sri Aurobindo ascertained from me and other sadhaks all the facts and gave me minute instructions regarding the conduct of the case with the Police. Then came the vaccination comedy à la Molière. For the first time the French Government sent an injunction that all Ashram members must be vaccinated. That created a mild commotion in the Ashram. To the Mother and Sri Aurobindo vaccination was a nasty business. Sri Aurobindo wrote to me, “The whole Pasteurian affair is to me antipathetic – it is a dark and dangerous principle, however effective.” That is all very well, but how to avoid it? Sri Aurobindo had to use all his divine diplomacy and initiated me in the art of dodging the Government, ending eventually with a small number of sadhaks being “induced to make themselves victims on the sacred altar of Science.” I could not resist my hilarity, poring over Sri Aurobindo’s reasons why such and such persons should not be touched.
Lastly, a sinking high blood-pressure patient from outside was revived by an Ashram homeopath with the effective help of Sri Aurobindo’s Force. In this and S’s case, I went all out and furiously attacked homeopathy and the doctor as all a big bluff while Sri Aurobindo went on defending him and his science. A tussle followed, neither side relenting till the Shishya had to bow down to the Guru’s rigorous logic. I wonder now what plucky devil goaded me on, forgetting that I was engaged in a battle royal with the Divine himself. This particular correspondence is a most valuable document showing the Guru’s unbiased judgment, keen insight into the working of invisible forces in diseases, conditions for the effective application of the Force and its method of working, and above all the Master’s cool temper and humour in the face of my dogged tenacity in defence of “the blazing hot allopathism.”
Let it be understood however, that whenever Sri Aurobindo wrote to me about individual sadhaks or personal matters, it was done to help me see things in their proper perspective and not get disturbed by outer happenings. For instance, when any departure from the Ashram made me apprehensive of my own destiny, I had to place my misgivings before the Mother, and Sri Aurobindo enlightened me by revealing the true facts about such cases. But these disclosures were always done in a dispassionate manner without any bias or carping spirit. Equality is the hallmark of any yogi, not to speak of Sri Aurobindo. We were enjoined to open ourselves to the Mother and conceal nothing from her. But it was Sri Aurobindo who mostly replied to our correspondence. He never had any personal animus against anybody. His criticisms had always an impersonal love, devoid of anger, prejudice or ill-feeling.
I need not dilate upon the spiritual and psychological effect the letters have produced and even now produce upon my stumbling journey towards the Unknown. They are a golden chain by which I am bound and drawn willy-nilly towards the destiny the Guru has foreseen. Whenever I read them, the one feeling is the unrestrained freedom and the divine largesse accorded to my nature in that I could soar with wings unfurled in the bosom of the infinite Blue. Indeed freedom, not license, is the cardinal principle of the integral yoga, and the key by which my soul was released from its prison-house. Oh, the halcyon days!
The total effect of the entire correspondence can be summed up in Sri Aurobindo’s luminous sentence, “But within there is a soul and above there is Grace. «This is all you know or need to know,» and, if you don’t, well, even then you have at least somehow stumbled into the path and have got to remain there till you get haled along it far enough to wake up to the knowledge. Amen.”
Besides these two volumes, there will be two other volumes of my Bengali and English poems written under the Master’s inspiration and guidance and our correspondence on them. I was also made the channel of communication for Jyotirmoyee’s Bengali poetry which he explained and commented upon. That will easily run into another big volume. So much he has done for one single person, which the Divine alone can do. And he had to attend to about two hundred persons, besides.
I offer my deep gratitude to Amal, Jayantilal, David and Sudha, especially the last two for their collaboration and untiring care in making the book as flawless as possible.
Nirodbaran
February 1933
I wrote to you regarding my staying here permanently. My aspiration and decision still stand the same. May I hear from you about it?
Before deciding forever, we can take a period of time and see – say till August.
I am thinking of learning French, but will it help me in my sadhana? Will you kindly suggest what I should do by way of some work or studies?
There is some work in the B.D.2 – if you like, you can ask Khirod – telling him how many hours you want to work.
There are not much facilities for French just now. The classes have been stopped for a time owing to the illness of the eyes of the teacher.
March 1, 1933
What shall I do about the scattering of my mind?
The method of gathering of the mind is not an easy one. It is better to watch and separate oneself from the thoughts till one becomes aware of a quiet space within into which they come from outside.
March 4, 1933
As soon as I start meditating I lapse into sleep.
The sleep does come like that when one tries to meditate. It has to be dealt with, where that is possible, by turning it into a conscious 
inner and indrawn state and, where not, by remaining in a quietly concentrated wakefulness open (without effort) to receive.
Some days I feel intensely happy after doing pranam seeing your smiling face. On other days, there is calmness, but no joy. I thought it has something to do with your smile.
Or does it depend on the state of the psychic being?
Don’t start having that idea. It is quite untrue and those who indulge it raise vital reactions and imaginations in themselves and provoke much unnecessary trouble.
It is in yourself that there is the variation, not of the psychic being which is always all right, but of the rest, mind, vital or body.
March 10, 1933
Should one write about everything? Or according to the need of each?
Only those who feel the need, write their experiences or condition daily to the Mother. Even so, they need not write the same things daily, but only what they feel the necessity to write.
Is there any difference between doing meditation in a sitting position and doing it while walking? I feel that while walking, it is not possible to get the same amount of concentration as in the other – for beginners, at least.
It is as each finds convenient. Some meditate better walking, some sitting.
I suppose meditation while walking is more likely to be a prayer than meditation proper.
Not at all. One can meditate very well when walking.
Do I profit, Mother, by simply looking at you or your photograph?
Yes, very many do.
I want to know whether I am pursuing the right line.
Yes.
March 13, 1933
I dreamed that I had gone away from the Ashram, to my native place. My misery and utter helplessness cannot be described.
I think the significance of my dream was that life outside will be a hell for me. I am meant for this life and must stick to what I am called for.
Yes, obviously.
The hostile thoughts which may and do arise in me sometimes, can they not be partly due to my relatives’ thought-waves disturbing my poise and equilibrium?
Yes.
Then how to prevent them? By constant aspiration and your kind help and blessings?
Yes, and by elimination of old interests and attachments.
I read Galsworthy’s book Flowering Wilderness which is a very good one, still it did not help me, for I felt unhappy.
Why should something that belongs to quite another order of consciousness help the sadhana?
Can one be in a serious mood throughout the day?
It is quite possible – only it is not a mood, but a quiet and ardent consciousness.
March 18, 1933
May I take French lessons from Benjamin?
You can.
I hear there will be music3 tomorrow at 4.30 p.m. May I come away at 4 from my work to get a good seat?
It is at 5 o’clock.
Nolini has told you, I suppose, that I intend to shift tomorrow, after pranam. Please give the necessary orders for a servant to help me in shifting and getting the room ready.
Things have been arranged for that.
March 20, 1933
Mother, you forgot to give flowers for B and P.
A whole handful of flowers were given to C for distribution to everybody there.
Could I have a mosquito curtain? The one I have is too big for my cot.
At present, Mother has no cloth for mosquito nets. But you can give yours to Kanai for making it of the size of the cot.
March 21, 1933
I have read in the Mother’s “Conversations” that if one prays to her before going to bed to be conscious in sleep, it helps.
You have to start by concentrating before your sleep, always with a specific will or aspiration. The will or aspiration may take time to reach the subconscient, but if it is sincere, strong and steady, it does reach after a time – so that an automatic consciousness and will are 
established in the sleep itself which will do what is necessary.
March 26, 1933
I am having a peculiar experience for the past few days. After pranam I usually go to the reception room and gaze at Sri Aurobindo’s portrait for about fifteen minutes. Then I pass a few minutes over the newspapers. When I get up I get dizzy, my head reels and I have at once to sit down. Is it connected with sadhana, and if so what am I to do?
It seems to be connected not with sadhana but with newspapers. After 15 minutes’ concentration to plunge into newspapers may not unnaturally lead to such a result.
Last night I went to hear music and sat beside Nolini. I felt an intense joy, not to be equalled by the joy of music. Is it merely an imagination?
No – it means there is a vital sympathy.
March 30, 1933
Mother, I took your permission to walk about or meditate in the Pranam hall when you play on the organ in the morning. But some days I am late due to miscalculation of time.
Mother never plays before 9.30.
April 2, 1933
I feel a great longing to express myself in literature but sometimes it gets mixed with a desire to be a great writer. But on the other hand my language is poor, style immature and thoughts meagre.
There should be no “desire” to be a “great” writer. If there is a genuine inspiration or coming of a power to write, then it can be done but to use it as a means of service to the Divine is the proper spirit.
April 6, 1933
I went to J’s place and came back feeling depressed. May I have caught the depression from her or did it come like that without any apparent reason?
Both are possible.
I think I have read in “Conversations” that depression is contagious and one may get it just like the germs of a disease. Is it true and what might have been the cause in my case?
Yes. She must have dropped it upon you (not intentionally of course) and also perhaps your vital forces went to her leaving you for the moment empty.
Since my coming here, I don’t think I have ever had a good meditation. It begins in earnestness and ends in sleep with dreams.
What kind of dreams?
April 7, 1933
It is very difficult to say what kind of dreams they are. They are incomplete, incoherent and indistinct. But I remember one: some chickens were going about with their mother, and some crows’ appeared, suddenly one of them caught hold of a chicken and flew away. How on earth could such a dream take place and what significance could it have?
Naturally, these dreams have no value except when they are symbolic; but it counts only as the beginning of an inward going movement.
It is probable that you have begun to go inside and first get into touch with a world very near to the physical and are seeing things there.
I quite realise that there should be no craving for anything. But when a cup of tea is offered can it be harmful to our sadhana? I thought it all depends on the attitude.
Yes, but the attitude of craving can be encouraged by taking. If there is the right attitude one can take, but one will not perhaps care to!
I do not quite understand what is meant by “your vital forces went to her leaving you for the moment empty”.
There is always an interchange of vital forces going on between people. If you sit near one who is weak and depressed and needs vital force, you may have your forces pulled from you by his or her need and yourself feel depressed or weak or empty.
April 8, 1933
Is this vital interchange one of the reasons why many sadhaks segregate themselves?
Yes. Not the drawing of vital forces alone, but the invasion by the ideas, feelings, atmosphere of others, hampering the sadhana, is one of the chief reasons of the turn towards segregation and solitude.
How to increase the vital resistance by which these indrawings or outgoings can be prevented?
It is partly by being vigilant and having a self-protecting will; partly by a capacity to call in and replenish the forces at any moment that one can best meet the difficulty.
I tried to meditate but I had to simply give it up, and sleep came in and with it what confused dreams!
When you cannot meditate, remain quiet and call in the Mother’s Peace or Force.
April 12, 1933
About that “legal action”, I do not know exactly what they intend. I suppose they would like very much to have a personal warrant issued and so get me back for some debts.
Pondicherry is a place where people often come as a refuge – because there can be no personal warrant for debts against them here. 
I knew a Parsi from Bombay loaded with debts who was here for three or four years and only went back when his affairs were settled by others in Bombay itself.
April 13, 1933
Whenever I receive letters from friends I go into ecstasies, and constantly I’m thinking of what I should write etc. Evidently such an upsetting is not good for our sadhana, is it? But perhaps one can indulge in a little exuberance when friends seem to aspire for a divine life.
It is not likely to be much of an obstacle. But there should be no attachment or depression if it does not happen as you would like.
April 14, 1933
When I get up in the morning I find that the previous day’s sadhana is forgotten. What should be done to keep up the continuity?
The gap made by the night and waking with the ordinary consciousness is the case with everybody almost (of course, the “ordinary” consciousness differs according to the progress); but it is no use wanting to be conscious in sleep; you have to get the habit of getting back the thread of the progress as soon as may be and for that there must be some concentration after rising.
At night, you have to pass into sleep in the concentration – you must be able to concentrate with the eyes closed, lying down and the concentration must deepen into sleep – that is to say, sleep must become a concentrated going inside away from the outer waking state. If you find it necessary to sit for a time you may do so, but afterwards lie down, keeping the concentration till this happens.
April 15, 1933
I go to the Ashram for meditation, about an hour after I rise. Is this not rather late for “getting back the thread of the progress”?
You need not meditate at once – but for a few minutes take a 
concentrated attitude calling the Mother’s presence for the day.
April 16, 1933
Last night I was trying to concentrate in bed, with the eyes closed. I suddenly woke up and the first thought was that I had been able to concentrate for long, and it did not look like sleep as there was no dazed or queer feeling as one usually has in sudden wakings. I have no experience of what going inside is like. Maybe this is the thing?
[Sri Aurobindo underlined the last sentence.]
Yes, only not yet a conscious going inside – that has to come.
The rest of the night also passed in a kind of constant remembrance, but in between I had an unhappy dream which I completely forgot. I woke up in the morning feeling spiritless without any apparent reason. Then it struck me that it was perhaps the effect of the dream working beneath the surface.
Its effect – yes. But you ought to shake it off at once and not allow it to trouble you.
April 18, 1933
By saying that I seem to have become quieter, did you mean that my vital-physical is not so clamorous or is it an inner quiet of the psychic?
Mother meant simply that there was less restlessness of the mind and the vital during the meditation – as you yourself felt.
Today at pranam, you did not keep your hand on my head as you usually do. If there is any twist, I will at once set it right.
There was no such significance.
April 22, 1933
Here is a letter from J. He asked me to pray for him and to 
take a flower from you. And he would also like to come here.
You must understand that if we refuse persistently J’s demand, we have a good reason for it. I do not understand really what he wants you to do. Flowers are usually given on special occasions and he can have them then.
I find that the concentration before going to bed merges unconsciously into sleep.
These things cannot have their effect in a moment. You must persevere till the physical consciousness is penetrated.
I have marked that if we write to you about some defects, some wrong movements, etc., they are immediately rectified but only for a day or two. Then gradually the old habits, wrong turns of the mind, creep in.
Again, transformation does not happen by a miracle in a day. It must be gained by constant aspiration, patient perseverance and persistence.
Just now I received P’s telegram. I am sure you will give him permission, won’t you?
The permission may be given – but does he want to stay in the Ashram? If so, does he know the ways of life here and that he must conform to them and also about the expenses? Or will he stay outside?
For how long is he likely to come?
All this should be understood before you answer.
Some days I walk out of the Pranam hall with joy and warmth filling my whole being; on other days the whole being seems calm and quiet. Which is the better condition?
Both are good – and there is no harm in their alternating till the joy and peace can combine.
April 23, 1933
Last night while I was concentrating lying in bed I entered into a half-wakeful state which made me a little afraid. I tried to fall asleep but the state of concentration would not leave me. At last sleep came. Is this an intermediate stage?
Yes. I don’t know why you should have any fear! It is a quite usual experience of the concentrated state when one is going inside.
As the meditation deepens, a sense of pressure is felt on the head. I don’t suppose it is anything abnormal?
It is on the contrary the most normal thing everybody feels at a certain initial stage.
I hear that one can pray for a friend and write to you about him.
Yes; but don’t do it for people who have not the turn for Yoga. Each has his own movement – his own time in this life or another.
April 30, 1933
For some days there is joy and enthusiasm; sadhana goes on well. Then there comes a lapse when there is less joy and meditation needs effort.
These alternations are quite normal. In the low periods one has to remain quiet, assimilate what one has received and aspire for more.
May 1, 1933
S writes to me that he is suffering from urinary trouble and he refuses to have any treatment except your blessings.
You can send blessings – but he ought to use every means to get rid of his illness. It is only if he has a calm mind and a sound body that he can do Yoga. His present state is too disorganised to bear any pressure.
May 4, 1933
I read in The Synthesis of Yoga that every act, movement etc. must be done as an offering, even if by a mental effort. This mental discipline is easy in acts of mechanical nature but not so easy in those of concentrative nature where the attention gets divided.
It is because people live in the surface mind and are identified with it. When one lives more inwardly, it is only the surface consciousness that is occupied and one stands behind it in another which is silent and self-offered.
What is meant exactly by “opening oneself”? Calling you, praying to you, remembering you, etc.?
These are acts of the mind, openness is a state of consciousness which keeps it turned to the Mother, free from other movements, expecting and able to receive what may come from the Divine.
I hear you have some special hours when you work for us?
No, it is not so.
May 6, 1933
Mother, today after pranam as I raised my eyes, I could not but mark something different in your look, as if some surprise, some concern, even the suggestion of a reproach, was trying to express itself.
Not at all.
I feel it may be due to one of two reasons. First, I have been having vital thoughts. But when I realised they may be due to yoga, my mind settled down.
[Sri Aurobindo underlined “due to yoga” and put a question mark in the margin.]
Second, I had to go to the pier4 with X as she was not feeling well and I came back depressed.
The pier itself has a very bad atmosphere nowadays.
For which of the two reasons did you give me that searching look?
For neither. You looked depressed, so Mother looked at you, – there was no other search.
I feel much better when alone but sometimes I have to attend to X in her illness or I have to go to market with her. I wish I could do all this with a calm mind. I hope I am clear.
Quite and you are right – but I don’t see the way out for the moment – unless you can separate yourself within and put a guard of calm aloofness around you.
May 7, 1933
Mother, one mistaken idea seems to trouble me for some time. I feel that in the evening whenever my eyes catch your look, you suddenly turn it away. I come to see you with some misapprehension lest you do not look at me. I am sure there is no truth in my imagination.
No, there is no truth in it. It is your own idea – your apprehension and misapprehension that produce in you the misconception that Mother does not want to look at you!
May 9, 1933
Last night I had a funny dream: my sleep suddenly broke off and I heard somebody saying to me, standing near my head, that Sri Aurobindo has asked him to use my soap and I had the distinct sweet smell of the soap. I was frightened and trembled all over. Any significance?
In itself the dream was absurd and has no significance – but it may be the transcription made by the mind was false and the man standing at the head was a vital force approaching. That alone would explain the fear. But this kind of fear ought to be got over. The sadhak has to be able to face the vital world, in waking or in sleep, with courage, calm and confidence in the protection.
May 11, 1933
I hear that many people have been on the point of going away due to the pressure of Yoga.
It is not due to the pressure of Yoga, but to the pressure of something in them that negates the Yoga. If one follows one’s psychic being and higher mental will, no amount of pressure of Yoga can produce such results. People talk as if the Yoga had some maleficent force in it which produces these results. It is on the contrary the resistance to Yoga that does it.
May 12, 1933
The Mother, in “Conversations”, says that the first effect of yoga is to take away the mental control so that the ideas and desires which were so long checked become surprisingly prominent and create difficulties.
They were not prominent because they were getting some satisfaction or at least the vital generally was getting indulged in one way or another. When they are no longer indulged then they become obstreperous. But they are not new forces created by the Yoga – they were there all the time.
What is meant by the mental control being removed, is that the mental simply kept them in check but could not remove them. So in Yoga the mental has to be replaced by the psychic or spiritual self-control which could do what the mental cannot. Only many sadhaks do not make this exchange in time and withdraw the mental control merely.
I find already that at certain moments this life seems distasteful, dull and dreary.
What is meant by dull and dreary is that the ordinary preoccupations and amusements of the vital are not there. The whole of one’s life and action has to be turned into sadhana and then it is not dull.
I hear you do not like the gate-keepers to do any writing, reading, etc., when on duty. Is it true?
It was because people were neglecting their duty in the absorption of reading and writing, allowing undesirable people to enter etc. If that does not happen, one can read or write – only when one is on duty, the duty comes first.
May 18, 1933
Mother, after raising my hopes, you have dashed them to the ground! With much expectation, I waited for a flower from you this morning, but got none. Is it because I hadn’t asked for it? I have been upset all day because of it.
It was not at all intentionally that the flower was not given – it was due to an oversight committed when Nolini was counting the number of flowers to be distributed.
Sri Aurobindo
May 21, 1933
N says you have arranged Budi House for P. I suppose, no nearer house is available.
There is another house less breezy and almost as far.
May 24, 1933
Mother, in the pranam your looks vary so much from day to day that one cannot but realise at once that they have a significance. Today, I could make out that you wanted to tell me something but I could not understand what it was. I went over all the incidents of the day – no result!
It was only to keep yourself clear from all influences except the Mother’s.
Can I have tea at Dilip’s place, in the morning?
Yes.
I hope there won’t be any “encouragement of cravings”. Of course, I have not been able to trace any outward bad effects from such occasional indulgence.
If it is occasional and you have no attachment, it is all right.
I am trying, as you asked me, to give Sanjiban, a general idea of the surface of the body to help him in his painting.
Yes, that is it; especially the proportions and forms and the deformations coming by movement e.g. contraction of muscles in different positions etc.
May 28, 1933
Sometimes I think that you are giving me a taste of the cup of bliss in very small drops, and at long intervals, but I do not at all despair.
There is no reason certainly for despair. The bliss always comes in drops at first, or a broken trickle. You have to go on cheerfully and in full confidence, till there is the cascade.
May 31, 1933
B writes that one can receive forces even unconsciously. Many people who were once hostile or had no opening to yoga had a sudden change. At the same time I’ve heard you say that one receives when one opens oneself – which is true?
It is more complex than that. Of course a hostile mind can be changed by a sudden experience, but the experience shows that something in him was open though not on the surface.
How to remember the Mother during work? I have tried to follow a mental rule, without success. Perhaps it is the inner consciousness that remembers while the outer is busy?
One starts by a mental effort – afterwards it is an inner consciousness that is formed which need not be always thinking of the Mother because it is always conscious of her.
June 16, 1933
After these few months of peace and cheerfulness, why now an upsurge of vital thoughts and desires which don’t leave me? They are so depressing.
The only thing to do with such depressing thoughts is not to indulge them, to send them away at once. Vital difficulties are the common lot of every human being and of every sadhak – they are to be met with a quiet determination and confidence in the Divine Grace.
June 17, 1933
Now I realise that my efforts are not everything, they can be more effective by your help and Grace. But should I write to you every time I have a difficulty?
You can always write.
June 18, 1933
During my gate duty visitors enquire sometimes about the nature of food, number of people, etc.
No inner details about the Ashram can be given to outsiders – there is an express rule against it.
Some people get disappointed when they learn that they cannot see Sri Aurobindo. Shall I suggest to them to write or tell them anything about you?
No, certainly not. They can be shown the photograph in the Reception Room – if they want. There is no necessity to volunteer information about the Mother.
June 23, 1933
I took some food at D’s. I don’t know whether you approve of these indulgences.
It does not matter.
Dr. B wants to take up the gate duty. Shall I part with it?
Yes, it was his work, so he is entitled to have it back.
July 4, 1933
Do you think I should allow myself these moods of recreation or occasional enjoyments? I think, there is a little craving for a cup of tea associated with it.
You can if you feel the need.
July 14, 1933
R asks me to take some food outside. I am rather tempted. But should I?
You do not expect the Mother to give sanction for these things? Those who take food outside, do it on their own responsibility.
July 15, 1933
I find that French grammar is very annoying. Will it not be better to read for the present some easy story books?
If you like. But if you do not learn the grammar, you will never know French well.
July 23, 1933
Dilip is giving lessons on rhythm. I intend to learn, but I think there is hardly any poetry in me.
You can learn it – it is easy enough to learn.
July 28, 1933
I offered to work in Nagin’s vegetable garden. Should I try at least?
Yes, you can try.
July 29, 1933
[About a personal problem]
There is nothing unusual in your feelings towards X. It is the way that vital love usually takes when there is no strong psychic force to correct and uphold it. After the first vital glow is over, the incompatibility of the two egos begins to show itself and there is more and more strain in the relations – for one or both the demands of the other become intolerable to the vital part, there is constant irritation and the claim is felt as a burden and a yoke. The other elements of which you speak have nothing to do with this particular relation, they could have existed in a purely mental friendship or psychic relation without any vital demand on either side. Naturally in a life of sadhana there is no room for vital relations – they are a stumbling block preventing the wholesale turning of the nature towards the Divine.
August 4, 1933
Mother did not put her hand on my head during pranam. I hope it was not due to any wrong movement in me?
No. It was merely because Mother was in trance.
I hear N is going away. It is very surprising and painful to find that one who has been apparently so earnest and sincere in sadhana should have such a sad failure.
What do you mean by “sincere”? If one does Yoga in order to be a great Yogi or in order to satisfy the sex impulse in the vital, that is not sincerity. It is what N started doing. Farther he began to have wrong experiences and when he was told so, instead of putting himself right, he began to conceal his experiences from me – which shows that he preferred his egoistic satisfaction in getting experiences to the Truth – and that too is not sincerity.
I have the idea that since we can communicate everything to you by prayer, why need we write? But then it can also be said – why not write? Do you think something is trying to hide under the cloak of this argument?
It is always well to write what goes on in you – but it need not be done every day. The essential is to keep nothing concealed.
August 12, 1933
May I do an extra pranam for C and P?
Yes, provided you do the two in one minute. Even with one minute for each we are threatened with a 7 hour sitting. There are 500 people.
August 21, 1933
Chandu has sent two rupees on the occasion of his birthday – 26th August. May I send you some flowers?
Yes.
With the money shall I buy fruits or sauce or pickles?
No sauce or pickles at any rate. Fruit if you like.
I have asked X to come to my place whenever she likes, but she says it will go against your order.
There is no objection to her going – the objection was to talking etc. in such a way as to disturb A.
I want to learn some instrumental music: esrāj or tablā. For the first S is the only instructor, I don’t know if she’ll be willing to teach and for the second A. Will you kindly suggest something?
For tabla A is sufficient. I don’t think S will be willing to teach. So –
August 24, 1933
I am often troubled by sexual thoughts.
How to get rid of them?
To think too much of sex even for suppressing it, makes it worse.
You have to open more to positive experience. To spend all the time struggling with the lower vital is a very slow method.
August 25, 1933
How to open oneself to positive experience? Please tell me.
By remaining quiet and aspiring for it – knowing that it is waiting there above. Also think more of the Mother and less of your vital impulses.
August 26, 1933
How narrowly I’ve lost my chance for pranam! Will you give me some consolation by sending a flower for me?
Yes.
D is of the opinion that one has to do studious sadhana by constant writing and reading etc.
D’s idea may be good for one who is a writer by nature and has to cultivate his gift – your case is different – and you have first to develop the inspiration, otherwise your writing will be only a mental exercise.
August 27, 1933
I am sending a poem which visited me while I was lying in bed at 10.30 p.m. It took me two hours to complete it and many more, brooding over it. Has it any inspiration or is it a mental galley-slave labour?
It is not at all bad as a beginning – there is at least an opening for inspiration there.
It struck me suddenly that instead of seeking for dazzling experiences, I should aspire for more important things like light, force, calm, etc.
Yes, those are more important things to aspire for. The rest is not excluded but should be subordinate.
August 29, 1933
Then again the same difficulty of transmission appears to hinder the proper finish. Will you tell me where the defect lies – little mastery over language, style, or insufficient inspiration?
All writers have the difficulty – it is the tamas of the physical mind which finds it difficult to transcribe the inspiration.
Is it bad for our sadhana to think much about the rhymes, words and ideas of these poems? But I find this a wonderful escape from the prison of thoughts of the lower vital.
It is certainly better than being occupied with the lower vital.
August 30, 1933
Mother, I had been expecting that after getting your touch, I would sit down to write poetry; but I failed to secure the thing I was seeking for in your touch. And then I began to think, with a depressed heart, what is precisely wrong in me. Do you like us to ask for your power and force for writing poetry etc.?
The depression is quite out of place – of course it came because you had a rajasic expectation which got disappointed.
In the Pranam the Mother puts her force for whatever she sees to be necessary in the sadhana. She would not do it specifically for giving you a poetic inspiration. For that you have only to keep yourself open and it will come of itself whenever it is due. But there should be no over-eagerness – a harmonious listening quietude is the best medium for the rush of inspiration to come.
September 10, 1933
May I go and see Krishnalal’s paintings now and then?
Not now and then – artists usually do not care to be disturbed. You have not seen them already? I don’t think he is painting his pictures now.
I send you a poem, rather long I am afraid. I shall eagerly wait to hear what you think of it.
I will take another day to read your poem! What I have read of it is good.
September 14, 1933
Last night I had a terrible dream. J was telling me: “Have you heard what D has come to? He is totally insane and now lies down in the drains.” I was suddenly seized with fear, and thought: who knows if the same lot may not befall me! In the grip of that terrible fear I began to call you, but my voice wouldn’t come out. Then in two or three minutes it left me... Last few days, I have been rather depressed.
Is this due to some influence exerted unconsciously on the mind by D’s condition?
It is not D’s condition, but your “depression for the last few days” that opened the door to this nightmare. It simply seized hold of the idea about D in order to shove itself in farther and more forcibly.
Sometimes I doubt my call for spiritual life. Occasionally some peace comes down which perhaps comes from inactivity.
If you allow such absurd ideas to take hold of you and make you belittle an experience, it is no wonder you can’t progress. What is wrong with the peace that comes from inactivity? It is as good as any other.
So many thoughts have been invading me – hence my gloomy, cheerless and pessimistic attitude, I think. At such a time many tempting thoughts lure me to set the wheel back – but it is clear that I shall never step back. I must go on.
It is a formation of a hostile character that is wandering about the Ashram and taking hold of one after another telling them that they are not fit and won’t be able to do the Yoga and had better die or better go away or at least better be desperate. The only sensible thing is to kick these suggestions out of you without any ceremony and tell them that you have come here to succeed and not to fail.
September 16, 1933
Seeing J’s aspiration I am tempted to ask him again to come for Darshan. Will you kindly give him blessings that he may come one day?
Don’t press too much. Let him develop naturally if he has the true call.
Is it likely that you have forgotten about the poem? Of course I am not in a hurry, but only anxious to hear your opinion about it.
It has disappeared in a mass of papers and I am hunting for it now.
September 30, 1933
I find sometimes that the rejection is not entire. The mind tries to call in the thoughts and enjoy them. It is no doubt due to a weakness in the nature still trying to satisfy itself in thoughts.
It is usually that – some part of the being has the taste still – so it returns.
October 1, 1933
Yes, it’s very true that there is still a “taste” in the being. But what to do about it?
You can put pressure on that part of your mind to give up its predilection.
October 4, 1933
I cannot deny that along with my urge for acquiring a fine style etc., there is hiding some desire for fame as a good writer which, however, one can reject, at least one can hope to.
Better not force the inspiration. You have some literary gift and can let it grow – but no desire for fame, if you please.
October 16, 1933
I send you a letter from P.
I don’t find P’s letter. Perhaps it has flown down to Nolini.
October 17, 1933
Mother, P wants your blessings. Could you give a flower for him at pranam?
Mother will try to remember – otherwise she will send with Nolini.
October 26, 1933
I send a poem for your kind perusal and opinion. There is hardly any originality in thought and expression. Will you kindly tell me how to acquire power and subtlety in writing, both of which I seem to lack awfully? And do you think the style and originality in technique come in automatically or one has to consciously strive for them?
The opening and close of the poem are rather poor, but in between it is well written, as it seems to me, and there are some good lines.
The original poetry comes in when you get back from the mind and outer vital to some inner source or at least channel of inspiration. Aspiration for that is better than to strive.
October 27, 1933
Lately all vitality seems to have disappeared, leaving no interest in anything.
It is a tamasic reaction, I suppose. It is to be discouraged and got rid of.
November 7, 1933
My birthday comes on the 17th of this month, shall I not come to you, Mother?
Yes. I don’t know how it failed to be put on the record.
I try to leave myself in your hands entirely. Am I wrong in my attitude or am I to cry constantly into your ears?
Not constantly, but from time to time.
I do some running exercise in the early morning. Is there any harm?
No.
November 12, 1933
Today I saw N with S at 6 a.m. It was at once clear that she has joined the hostile camp. I now hear that she is going away. Yet she herself had said recently that she will never leave you...
Perhaps you don’t know that N came as a temporary resident and stayed on simply because she did not care to go, finding herself at ease here. She was never permanently accepted.
And it cannot be denied that following a sincere call she came from her place to this far-off land, in quest of Truth.
How do you know it was a sincere call? She did not come to India to seek the Truth from a far land leaving her near and dear ones; she came in order to get away from her family life in which she was in furious conflict with most of her people. After she came to India she began wandering through various Ashrams – but was not satisfied with some and the others sent her away or perhaps entreated her to leave them. All the same there was a being within her which had pushed her to this life, so she had her chance – although the Mother never expected much of her nor were we at all certain about her staying or being able to go through. Her failure does not mean a definite frustration. The being that is in her will certainly have its way in this life or another – but it must be admitted that for this life the chances don’t look overbright.
Within a very short span of time we have seen some four or five departures among whom B had been here quite a number of years and he was not a weak adhar5 either. How is it that all of a sudden he opened the doors to undivine beings, when he was going so smoothly and confidently on one track?
B did not open all of a sudden. He had from the first a violent Asuric strain in his nature, as he himself knew and he was always trying to incarnate new Asuras in the plea of offering their mighty strength and power for the Divine Work. I don’t believe that at any time in his life he went “smoothly and confidently on one track” – it was from the beginning all leaps and shouts and catastrophes and upheavals. I thought I had destroyed the legend of his being a perfect Bhakta6 and strong Adhar.
Is the Divine so helpless against these forces or beings?
Do you expect the Divine to force a man into heaven against his own will?
You said the other day that we call in these forces by our habit, for the sake of drama, etc. It is true but isn’t it quite natural too since we are hardly transformed in our nature and aspiration, as yet?
To have weaknesses of the lower nature is one thing – to call in the hostile forces is quite another. Whoever does the latter, takes his risk. He is going towards the opposite camp – for the marks of the hostile Force are contempt of the Divine, revolt and hatred against the Mother, disbelief in the Yoga, assertion of ego against the Divine Being, preference of falsehood to Truth, seeking after false gods and rejection of the Eternal.
Am I then to suppose that N, B and others began to walk with hesitating steps, doubting at every step they had taken the Divine leading?
Not with hesitating but with hostile steps – away from the Truth.
As for N, one can hardly say that she took steps hesitating or not – most of her life was drifting in the current of her own impulses...
If after a few years of sincere sadhana I make a wrong movement under the influence of hostile forces, why does not the Divine come in with his power and save me, considering that I have been true to him at least for some time?
And what do you make of the free choice and the necessity of assent? Supposing the Divine does intervene and you say “Damn you I don’t want you – you are a nuisance and a lie. I want my own inspirations and the satisfaction of my ego,” and supposing you kick the Divine in the face when he stoops to help you and even when he lifts you up and sends the Black Force away, you call it back each time and rush back to embrace it. What then? That is what those who are under that influence do – D, N, others all did it.
I cannot believe that the Divine does not know our ultimate fate. Why then does the Divine accept me if he knows that I shall fail in the long run?
What is the long run?
May I know when and under what circumstances fulfilled, you send in your saving hand, in case one is assailed by such forces? I am convinced that no undivine powers can stand against you unless for some inscrutable reasons you have not helped or do not help.
It is when they refuse to be saved. B was saved several thousand times. Finally he said he would go on his own way, that the Divine in him was the true Divine and we were only indulging our outer personalities and he threatened to starve himself to death if we kept him here. What do you expect us to do under these circumstances? Yoga is an endeavour, a tapasya – it can cease to be so only when one surrenders sincerely to a higher Action and keeps the surrender and makes it complete. It is not a fantasia, devoid of all reason and coherence or a mere miracle. It has its laws and conditions and I do not see how you can demand of the Divine to do everything by a violent miracle.
I ask myself why I lose heart over cases which are apparently failures and not take courage from those who are going triumphantly.
I have never said that this Yoga was a safe one – no Yoga is. Each has its dangers as has every great attempt in human life. But it can be carried through if one has a central sincerity and a fidelity to the Divine. These are the two necessary conditions.
What a shock I got today when I saw that one of our bean-plants died! It was growing so luxuriantly and overnight, this was the state. J says it may be due to white ants – for which there is no remedy.
The only remedy is to find out the queen and kill it – if it is in the garden.
This case very significantly reminds me of all the cases I have written about.
Why not take it as a lesson in equanimity?
November 13, 1933
By saying that N was never permanently accepted by you, you invite me to ask you about myself which I have not done so far, partly through fear, partly feeling no necessity for it.
My meaning was this only that the original understanding with N was that she was here to try if it suited her and she was free to go at any moment. And this was never altered. It suited her only in so far as she was at ease with no strong pressure to give up her peculiarities unless she freely chose to do so. The pressure we put on others, however silent, or modified, on yourself or J, we did not put on her – we left her to her fancies. The reason was that if she was to take up the life in good earnest, it must be from herself, from the being within coming out. With a mind like hers the least pressure would be useless – until that moment came, if it came. There is therefore no analogy between your case or J’s and hers.
From all my outbursts of yesterday, I hope you have been able to see that I am pleading for the solicitude of the Divine, beforehand.
The solicitude is there.
...Because you know I have very often been played at by these suggestions – and the forces have not exhausted their resources, though at present they are out of the way.
So are many in the Ashram. The thing is neither to play with them – nor to fear them. Suggestions are suggestions – they come to all. It is the rejection that is important.
I have received a letter from my family – usual pathetic letter. Will it not be wise to write saying that all their waitings are of no use?
Better say nothing – it does no good and only increases the reaction from there.
November 17, 1933
When you give us flowers, are we to aspire for the things they stand for, or do you give them with the flowers?
There is no fixed rule – sometimes it is the one, sometimes the other. But even when the thing is given, it is given a power – it has to be realised by the sadhak in consciousness and for that aspiration is necessary.
November 21, 1933
The fountain of poetry has dried up. Not only so – there is a feeling of disgust for poetry. Is it due to inertia?
Tamas – the disgust is also tamasic.
December 6, 1933
If this disgust is due to tamas, will you tell me how to drive this tamas out?
Use your will.
Is then inspiration the source of all ideas?
At any rate in poetry it is.
December 27, 1933
Last night as I was meditating in a half-sleepy state, I had a vision of a most gorgeous auroral display of colours in the eastern horizon, one colour being added to and superimposed on the other in a quick succession; the sort of display one sees before the sun rises, only infinitely grander. I don’t remember whether your image flashed through before or after the vision. Has it any significance?
The play of colours is the play of forces and on the east indicates something that is beginning or about to begin.
December 30, 1933
Mother, your reproachful look in the morning put me out of all good cheer. Is it due to a lingering desire in me?
That is an imagination, as usual. There was no reproach. Of course Mother saw that you had been touched by the desire, but there was no feeling of reproach in her.
The Divine pushes me to such tests when he knows me so well – and then I get a none-too-happy look from you!
The imagination of a none-too-happy look! I repeat there was no reproach.
Would you advise me not to go to X’s aid in her illness?
I can’t very well say that. I could only say so if there was somebody else who was willing to help her.
For some time past I have been feeling as if I were receding from the Divine, or is it that the Divine is receding from me?
The Divine does not recede. For yourself, you are probably not so much receding as getting into the part where there is the difficulty. I mean you have projected yourself from the mind into the vital. It would have been better if you had drawn back into the psychic – but since you are there, you have only to force your way through it to the psychic gates.
I want to offer you the best cheese available here and a tin of biscuits. I hope you will accept?
Certainly we accept.
1 raso vai saḥ Verily He is Delight.
2 Building Department
3 Dilip Kumar Roy and Sahana’s musical performances, both of them disciples of the Ashram.
4 The old pier of Pondicherry which is now broken down.
5 Literally, a receptacle, that is an instrument capable of holding the spiritual Force.
6 One who follows the path of love and adoration.