The Mother

Agenda

Volume 12

November 17, 1971

I had things to tell you, but... I don't remember now.

Things about your experiences?

Yes, something like that.

It's very strange, my whole vision of things has changed.... There were some very significant experiences, a change.... I remember when I noticed it, I thought, “This would be interesting for Satprem to know.” And then, gone.

So totally changed....

(long silence)

I don't know if you knew this. One day a disciple from Germany saw a blind beggar in the street, sitting (you know how they wear a sign on their chest), and on the sign, in German, “The Order of Sri Aurobindo.” “The order,” what's the word? Not “command,” no: group.

You mean society?¹

Yes, that's it – the order of Sri Aurobindo. So this person asked him, “But there aren't any beggars in the order of Sri Aurobindo!” And he replied, “Oh, Mother knows very well!” (All this in German naturally.)

It's curious.

There are things like that: people in Canada, America, Germany seem to be receiving communications, instructions. And very precise.

About current events, or what?

Yes, or about their life. It depends. Here [in India], about current events.

(long silence)

But in the radical change of vision you speak of, what makes the difference?

(after a long, smiling silence)

It's as if the consciousness were not in the same position with respect to things – I don't know how to say it. So they seem completely different.

(silence)

I don't know how to explain it.... The ordinary human consciousness, even in people who are broad-minded and all that, is always at the center, and things are like this (gesture converging from all sides toward a center), you understand. Things exist (words reduce everything), things exist in relation to a center. While here... (Mother drops a multitude of points throughout space).

Yes, that's what expresses it the best, I think: in the ordinary human consciousness, you're at one point and everything exists in its relation to that point of consciousness (same star-shaped gesture). While now, the point no longer exists, so things are selfexistent. The point is no longer the source.

That's the closest (that's not it, but...).

You see, my consciousness is IN things – it isn't “something that receives” (it's much better than that, but I don't know how to put it into words).

It's better than that because it isn't just “in things”: it's in “something” which is in things and which... moves them.

I could be flowery; I could say (but that's not it): it's no longer one being among other beings, it's... it's the Divine in everything. But that's not the way I feel it. It's what moves things or what is conscious in things. “What is conscious”.... It isn't exactly “governs” because the word “govern” doesn't convey the right sense – “animates” (not that either, all those words reduce and materialize the experience).

(silence)

Evidently, it's a matter of consciousness, but not consciousness as human beings ordinarily have: it's the QUALITY of the consciousness that has changed.

There's a phenomenon, for example (among many others), a curious phenomenon: when I am like that, the consciousness in things, in movements, in life, and I eat lunch, the food is... there's no effort... (Mother remains silent). It's too difficult to say.... I don't feel “I” am eating, you see, so I am not aware of putting things in my mouth and having to swallow them and....

Yes, I understand.

I can't say, but the fact is like this: in the new consciousness, I eat very easily, without noticing it, and everything goes very well; as soon as I become conscious in the old consciousness, which means eating, tasting the food, putting it in my mouth – it's difficult! I have all the trouble in the world not to swallow wrong.

It's really something new because I don't know how to describe it.

But then it's extremely concrete: when I am in that consciousness, my whole lunch is taken effortlessly, without any difficulty; I am given food, I swallow and I don't notice... not that I don't notice it (I have taste, I have everything), but the position is different.

Yes, at that moment it's part of the universal movement.

No, it's something which is at once in me and IN THE FOOD, which tastes and takes, but is no longer... it's no longer the way it was before, that's all I can say.

It's really new.

And it's particularly noticeable for food, because when I am in that consciousness – which comes as soon as I don't do anything, as soon as I sit quietly – it isn't like something that “comes in” (gesture toward a center), it's like something (expanding gesture)... which develops, which is free to develop. Well then – then it's very good. But if I am in the ordinary consciousness and I eat (it's “time” for a meal), oh, it's so difficult that I feel it's going to be impossible to eat anything! And in the other case, it goes down without my even noticing it. And yet I am conscious of what I am eating.

But what I am saying now isn't it. It's something else.... You see, the consciousness is still like this (gesture of oscillating from one side to the other). Both are there. So.... But then I can't find a way to make myself understood, because new words would have to be invented.

That's increasing from day to day.

It's like at night: I don't sleep and I am not awake; I go into a state in which I don't sleep at all – yet I am not awake. And I don't know how to describe what it is. And when it's normal, it could... it can last indefinitely, there's no sense of time or fatigue or duration. When the old consciousness comes back, there's almost unbearable suffering: I am suffocating or I can't breathe, or it's a consciousness which shouldn't be there anymore. So quite naturally and effortlessly, I am in the new state, but if I am drawn into the old consciousness by circumstances, it becomes almost unbearable. You see. And it results in pains in the body or... a body malfunction. But when I enter the new consciousness, everything takes place quite... without my even noticing it and without any effort.

That's all I can say for the moment.

You see, my body is full of pains and malfunctions, but as soon as I go into that state (vast, peaceful gesture) everything is done – time doesn't exist anymore. Time is endless in the old consciousness, while it doesn't exist in this one. I don't know how to describe it.

(silence)

Being flowery, I would say: the old consciousness is like... it's death, it's as if you were going to die any minute: you suffer, you... it's the consciousness that leads to death. And the other one (vast, immutable, smiling gesture) is life... peaceful life, eternal life. Yes, that's it.

But it's not that, you follow, these are just words.

(Mother goes into contemplation)

I can't express it.

It's not necessary.²

¹ Mother clearly meant “order” as a monastic order.

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² A long meditation which was like a bath of dense, concentrated power as if you were in a “solid flow.” It seemed to become more tremendously dense each time – though perhaps that is a subjective impression. We can't help mentioning a phenomenon that Satprem observed often enough: each time Mother came out of her contemplation, she had a sort of momentary suffocation and could not find her breath, as if she were really coming out of another air.

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