I didn't have that sensation of power or force....The Mother
Agenda
Volume 9
December 25, 1968
I met X.1
Oh!
Yes, by chance. I didn't intend to see him, then I forgot he was here and walked by his street. And he was on his doorstep. I didn't turn back, I went and saw him.
What did he tell you?
Kind... But I had the feeling that what had been there in the past was no longer there.... I always had the impression of a blue light around him (that was my impression in the past), but
I didn't have that sensation of power or force....
Maybe it was something you had put there? I did wonder.... Because the impression I had of him THROUGH YOU was far better than he is, far superior to what he is. So I wondered if that power didn't come AT THAT TIME because it was necessary to pull you out of your difficulties.
And I carried out two or three “tests” with him. For example, he boasted he could get me all the money I needed; so I told him, “I need; make it come.” (He spoke of “lakhs and lakhs, crores of rupees.”2) I said, “Very well, I need this much, make it come.” – It never came.... You understand, I felt he had boasted of having powers. He had been living there (still is) in the midst of quite a primitive population that was wonderstruck by the least expression of power; he was used to being regarded as quite a “powerful and superior being,” and as soon as he came into contact with us and with people accustomed to Sri Aurobindo's visions and to being in another world than this purely vital world, he found himself quite at sea.... He stayed away for three years, I think, or two years. He's coming for his birthday (I'll see him on the 29th), but the last times I gave him meditation, it was... well, there are lots and lots of people like that in India. He has a power that only acts in a very ordinary vital. And nothing really superior.
And as regards the quality of vision, there was quite a curious story. K.'s mother had come here with a married daughter who had just lost her son (a young man who died suddenly). They came here, she was quite unhappy, and when she came to see me, I saw her son in her own atmosphere. I told her, “Your son is with you. If you have the true attitude, you can come into contact with him and feel his presence there.” She left from here, went to see X, and as they always do, asked him what he knew about her son. X told her authoritatively, “Your son has gone into a shepherd....” So naturally, she's lost all confidence in me, because I don't tell her things with a dogmatic authority, while he spoke like that, with assurance; so she felt sure he was right!... There may be a small part of her son that went into a shepherd (!), I have no idea; as for me, what I saw was the psychic part. But she's lost all confidence, she's never come to see me again. So that's troublesome. It proves he's quite shut inside himself and inside his own conception.
Never mind.....
Didn't he ask you if you were continuing your pujas?
No, nothing. He understood it was over.
(silence)
And then... You know that from every side I've been trying to get Sri Aurobindo published [in France], in particular The Human Cycle. At last I got a letter from a certain J. B., who writes: “For a long time now, a publisher (F.) has been asking me to create a collection in his publishing house. I thought of a few books, mostly foreign ones, grouped around a title such as ‘Towards the spiritual mutation’ and focused on the present researches, individual and clumsy, often dangerous, but sincere and undertaken in a spirit quite different from that of the former generation, the spirit of a certain youth I am in contact with. The idea is to show these ‘young people’ that their attempts and aspirations are legitimate, even if they have discovered them through drugs, since in many cases drugs alone have been able to unmoor them from the Cartesian rationalist bedrock, to put before them experiences that, at least, are positive, and to offer them directions and models. In other words, the aspect of amateurism and exoticism found in Z [another publisher] would be replaced here by a practical and technical side, wide open to all spiritual researches, whatever they may be, to all duly controlled ‘metapsychical ’experiments, serious psychedelic experiments (I have T. Leary in mind, for instance), new theologies... Naturally, there would be room, a major place, for the Oriental endeavor. In sum, it would involve all researches and attempts to crack open that sort of corset within which the Western mind has been going in circles for such a long time. That does not in the least rule out, on the contrary, certain scientific works – of pure science – in which, out of intrinsic necessity, this Cartesianism has already been singularly shaken. Of course, all that would make for quite an ill-assorted backdrop for Sri Aurobindo's thought, a backdrop you will regard as unworthy of it.... The planned Collection might be called ‘Spiritual Adventures’....”
We can try.
In the middle of all that?
It doesn't matter. We can try.
Because it can touch people, you understand, that's what is important. We can try.
*
* *
Finally there's a letter from P.L. “...My stay in Spain was prolonged more than I had thought.... Tell Sweet Mother that I am continuing my struggle and my effort, that she follows me everywhere and her protection is my support. I will tell you about my experience. I went to spend a weekend by the sea, where I have a very pretty tiny apartment.... There I meditate and go through all the teachings of Mother again by immersing myself in The Life Divine and the Questions and Answers. I lighted an incense stick. Suddenly my whole body broke into a profuse sweat, and an atrocious struggle began. If I could use religious terms from before my Ashramite experiences, I would say that all of St. Anthony's temptations fell on me to destroy and shatter me spiritually. First, a disarray, a very deep distress of helplessness: What use is my life? What am I doing? Why do I live? My efforts are useless.... Then there was the attraction of woman, which came to ridicule my continence.... Everything was called into question: whys and more whys made my head burst. After that came the invasion of power: Why did you renounce the hope of becoming a bishop? Glory would have come to you.... Then the desire for money.... Everything in a macabre and at the same time attractive carrousel. Finally, total solitude... abandoned by all, all having gone away: my friends, my connections in the Vatican, my family, all of you. How much time went by? I do not know. Nevertheless I think I heard a very small voice... (but I was so weak that I cannot say if it was true) telling me, ‘Do not weep, I am with you. If I am with you, others are superfluous, and if you are without me, others won't be able to help you....’ I remained in a void... the whole night passed. In the morning, the sunshine, everything was so beautiful! When I returned to the Rome house, I was told I was transformed! So there.”
I did say that to him [“I am with you”].
Occultly, those people are very skilled.
For at least two days in a row, I felt he was in a great difficulty.
I thought it was the “others” causing him difficulties....
I didn't say it with those words [“I am with you”] because I never say “I am,” but the consciousness was like this: “The Lord is with you.” Only, I can't say it with words, because for them, as soon as you speak about “God,” their whole religion comes back. It was the FACT of consciousness that I put on him. But you can tell him that it's exactly what I wanted to say to him. It took that expression in him because, in him, I represent... the other side of life.
It's good, it's exactly what I wanted to make him feel.
1 A Tantric whom Satprem followed in the past.
2 One lakh = one hundred thousand; one crore = ten million.