Of course he had periods. So had B for a very long time. But after his first outbreak they were never harmonised1 with the other self.Sri Aurobindo
Letters of Sri Aurobindo
Volume 1. 1935
Letter ID: 1413
Sri Aurobindo — Nirodbaran Talukdar
September 2, 1935
Of course Y’s revolt was quite evident. But the fact of his leaving “W” came as a shocking surprise.
No doubt, though not to all. But since then there is no reason for surprise.
One could never imagine that he would call back his old self, so suddenly.
The old self was always there, but for the first year he was always holding it down. It was when Mother began to press for him to get rid of it that the revolts began.
You can’t deny that he had bright periods of sadhana, and was going very well until this “monster” caught him by the throat.
Of course he had periods. So had B for a very long time. But after his first outbreak they were never harmonised1 with the other self.
We were not quite prepared to see him bid good-bye for ever, for we had confidence in your Force and thought you would succeed in bringing him round. This is the reason of our astonishment.
When he went from the W it was distinctly understood that he must settle his problem himself. He did not want any farther influence because that was not consistent with his independence. Under such circumstances he could get help only in proportion as he was sincere.
But do you call this “will” in Y? How can an insane person – for it is nothing but insanity, have any will?
Certainly – the will to be independent, the will to follow the call of his nature – the belief that he had the Light and the realisation sufficiently to follow his own path, as one already almost the equal of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother.
He gave you his will, his inner sanction, when he came here.
You have never heard of a double being?
If I want to hang myself, would you say, “I can’t help him against his will”?
If that were your will and not merely an impulse of the vital being, nobody could stop you.
This is what, perhaps, a human being would say, who has no knowledge of the play of forces?
If I have knowledge of the play of forces, why do you want me to ignore the play and work by violence or a miracle beyond the play of forces? It is precisely the play of forces in Y which brought him where he is.
Another point – you knew that he had the monster in him, and yet you accepted him? Why? Weren’t you confident about the success or was it only to give him a chance?...
Practically, D threw him in through the window in spite of Mother’s refusal. After that he pleaded and got his chance on conditions, not unconditionally – conditions which he broke after the first year. Still we gave him his full chance, beyond what we had at first promised because there was a possibility that he might go through – even if he allowed us to guide and influence, a certitude. But he wanted no more guidance and influence. Hence these tears.
The departure of a person with extraordinary powers is serious.
And what a pathetic and tragic end for him! All the world will laugh at him and won’t you share in the laughter?
Pooh! a sincere heart is worth all the extraordinary powers in the world. And why a tragic or pathetic end! He is as merry as a grig and as sure of himself as a god. He says he has only one step to make and he is going to make it no matter whatever happens or who does what.
Do you think I care? What a very human mind you have! But why want me to share in it? What is in the mind of the sadhaks matters because that is part of my work, but what you call all the world (meaning the small part of it interested in Y outside) can laugh or not – what difference does it make? My bringing down of the supramental does not depend on the নিন্দাস্ততি2 or মানঅপমান3 dealt out from there. And is care for these things part of the ordinary spiritual consciousness even? and if I am to be inferior in these matters to a spiritual man, R.M. for instance, how am I to be not only supramental and superman but supramentalise others? Have you never thought of these things and will you and the others live always in the ordinary mundane social consciousness and feeling and ideas and judge me and my work from that sorry standpoint?
I hear A.P. House has been taken over by the Mother. There is no chance then for J’s book being published there.
None. I asked the Mother, but she is categorical. The A.P.H. will remain the A.P.H. and not become an ordinary publishing house.
1 Doubtful reading.
2 nindāstuti: praise and blame.
3 mānapamān: honour and dishonour.