Sri Aurobindo
Letters of Sri Aurobindo
Volume 4
(To Mother)
I saw a dream towards the small hours of the morning about yourself. You were very sweet and I told you in French (as I was bringing to you a present somebody had left unowned): “Vos mots sont tres doux. Mere!” I felt a great devotion an emotion I never felt for months perhaps years and I got up a little heartened after all these months of futile questionings. I won’t take your time uselessly by a recital of my sorrows only I would like to tell you that in case I do find it impossible to go on here, which seems more and more probable as days pass, please don’t think me to be an ungrateful fellow: for if I have travelled away from you today (I can’t account for the straying but the straying is an undeniable fact and must be in some way due to my ego even though I have worked so hard to get rid of its movements) and am seriously thinking whether I had better go away somewhere for a year to practice even prayopabeshana if necessary – since the ashram-life as well as the world life is becoming gradually almost equally unbearable to me and I think I had better clear away to let other people come in here who are more open to you (the house-problem too is acute and you will be able to accommodate so many here when I go away): but even if I am forced by my recalcitrant nature to go away please do not consider me ungrateful and sans bonne volonte and I assure you there had never been the least insincerity in my genuine desire to serve you progressively through my self-giving. However, it was not to be, I don’t know why, and the result is that I have only progressively entrenched myself from self-giving as a result of which life anywhere has been made almost impossible. I am writing to Sir CP. if he can fix me up in some bungalow in some forest or other and I hope you will from the distance fortify my resolve to carry through my prayopabeshana for which I may not have the strength ultimately without your or Sri Aurobindo’s support.
My dear child, I see no good reason why you should leave this place which after all, has been your home for such a long time... You speak of “house-problem” but as I have no intention of giving your house to anybody else, I do not see how your departure can ease the problem.... As for helping you in all circumstances, of that you can be sure and it is only your more or less receptivity that can put a limit to this help. With my love and blessings