Sri Aurobindo
Letters of Sri Aurobindo
Volume 2. 1934 — 1935
I have indeed been very sad last night because they had said that probably twenty out of our thirty songs would be spoilt because of electricity fluctuations. I woke up at 11 p.m. after a dream that I was sobbing at Mother’s feet in great tenderness and love but sadly because I was attached to the prospect of success of my hard endeavour. When I woke up I liked this devotional sobbing business at Mother’s feet (I always do – as everything that makes me conscious of my loyalty to her and you do give me concrete joy and the concrete things I love, you know) but was still sad at the prospect of the records failing after so much effort.
I then realised that though I had persuaded myself that I did not do this singing etc., for fame, it was not wholly true, for I did attach a lot of importance to my hard work (how hard it was you don’t know) being crowned with 
success. I would not bear the idea of failing in music my forte, after Herculean efforts. I felt humble then and repentant and shed tears. “Why must I care, if I fail?” I said to myself, in the dead of night through my tears, “I should literally, and not theoretically, mean my work as an offering without any attachment to its fruits. If my eventual failure hurts my vanity – for I can’t be sure if the songs have come out well – I should look upon it as Mother’s Grace and I must open myself to be so corrected.” Then and there I felt a lot of relief and prayed to Mother: “Do change this egoist Dilip, if need be hurt me or give me the strong will not to take my hurt in the wrong spirit but in the spirit of opening my weak parts to your light.” I realised then that this sort of movement was the right movement and did help me correctly as it moved my egoistic will in the right direction – to surrender. Am I not right?
Yes. It is the true psychic movement.
I then prayed to you and Mother and told myself that what were visions, experiences, etc. and why should I feel so sorry because I don’t have them. I felt that this sort of hammering at my egoism, etc. and my tremendously powerful egoistic will and my ability to take the blow in the right way was far more needful to my nature than passing visions, experiences, etc. I had strong perceptions about Yoga, I realised de nouveau, and I was thankful that I was feeling more and more grateful for such blows – for I have always been shying at blows to say nothing of gratefulness.
Please read this letter to Mother and if possible write to me a letter hereanent – it need not be long if you have no time. But tell me is this not an important part of my Yoga – or am I deluding myself?
What you say is perfectly correct – I am glad you are becoming so lucid and clear-sighted, the result surely of a psychic 
change. Ego is a very curious thing and in nothing more than in its way of hiding itself and pretending it is not the ego. It can always hide even behind an aspiration to serve the Mother. The only way of getting rid of it is to chase it out of all its veils and corners.
You are right also in thinking that this is really the most important part of your Yoga. The Rajayogis are right in putting purification in front of everything and a preliminary to successful meditation – as I was also right in putting it in front along with concentration in The Synthesis of Yoga. You have only to look about you to see that experiences and even realisations cannot bring to the goal if this is not done – at any moment they can fall owing to the vital still being impure and full of ego.
I cannot write more, as correspondence is raging, but this is the central gist of the matter.