Sri Aurobindo

Letters of Sri Aurobindo

Volume 2. 1934 — 1935

Letter ID: 570

Sri Aurobindo — Roy, Dilip Kumar

March 16, 1935

Just to let you know that I have dissolved our tea-party from today, as I wanted to do more japa and concentration from now in the afternoon too. I did a lot. After that as I sat meditating in the pranam hall I felt a sense of great pain and loneliness all over and the futility of a life without any shred of response from the Divine – a feeling of utter helplessness and impasse. But I kept on to the best of my ability staving off what you call the adverse forces.

I know you are too busy with far more important things than such pains of the likes of us. But in case you find an odd minute or two just see if you can do anything to help me. I don’t say these things in any spirit of complaint. But when one feels as I have been chronically feeling, I find some relief to tell it to a kind soul who is ready to help but can’t because (1) of want of time and of (2) my own recalcitrance to light. As I was reading your Lights on Yoga I was painfully conscious how signally recalcitrant I must be to Mother’s Light!

Want of time does not come in the way as there is no day on which I do not devote some time to thinking of you and concentrating for you. The difficulty lies in the removal of the obstruction in the physical mind, what you feel as the impasse. But it will go if you persevere. I have seen only today, as well as often recently, how what seemed to be denied and impossible for years (bringing about a state of helpless stagnation and hopelessness with disbelief in even the good will or the power of the Divine, the spiritual Force and the Guru) suddenly happens after all and also how those who never had any experience for years get the opening. The difficulty is great and the darkness of the material consciousness is obstinate, but still if one knows how to persist or even how to wait, the light comes.